So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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