I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she told me i tasted like america
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
