I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
