so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize