my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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