she woke up with a sticky ear
Moan for me like Helen Keller
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
