I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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