Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
