I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
