Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
