i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
