the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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