did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
