remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
