Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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