Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
