Taylor Swift is so right about you.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
