I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
