So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
