When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize