Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
