I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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