you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
