I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
