I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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