does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
