We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
