This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
