Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
