so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I met the friendliest cop last night
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize