I just cut my nipple shaving
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
