if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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