my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize