It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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