we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
