My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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