...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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