my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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