Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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