i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
