I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
