Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
