Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
