Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
