So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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