I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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