The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
