Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
