yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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