I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just had sex bonerless
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This is my gift to your gina
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
