I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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