She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
