Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
