Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
