I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
