Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
