Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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