i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Randomize
