if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
