someone threw a dead crab at me
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Come see our sink grown plant.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
