Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
