So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
