between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
