the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
