I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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