she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
