i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
