This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
