I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Randomize
