I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
