The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
