Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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