what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
