you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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